Okay, they are still there. But in my new life, which I am just beginning, they have a much less importance. In fact, I like to pretend they don’t exist, because in reality they truly don’t matter. It is manmade measurement to control peoples lives, and I am not letting them control mine anymore.
I know intuitive eating is sweeping across the world, so mind me if this is a bit redundant. But I never thought I would be able to give up calculating calories. Anorexia teaches your brain to calculate everything without even trying. It can drive you mad – all those numbers getting punched into a calculator inside your head, tallying up every little crumb you swallow. It’s sickening. And you can’t really control it. If you’ve ever read Wintergirls (which is written by someone who has never dealt with eating disorders, and it can be triggering to those who have), then you know what I am talking about. Everything you look at – you see numbers attached to them. I don’t even have to look up most foods anymore. I just know. That’s how long my head has been calculating calories.
But then I read this, and realized I wasn’t truly “recovering” from my eating disorder. Instead of counting calories with a maximum, I was counting with a minimum (in order to gain weight). But forcing myself to eat at the end of the night because I was under my goal even though I already felt overly-full and sick is not recovering. Yes, I physically need to recover, but that will not stop my obsession with calories. You can gain the weight back and be a healthy weight again, but that doesn’t mean you’re eating disorder is “fixed”. My mental health is still screwed up, as much as I like to say my mind is all recovered and positive now – it isn’t. I still cry on days when I feel bloated because my stomach looks like a blowfish, but then I see my concave ass and hate that I don’t have curves anymore, so I spend the rest of the day driving myself crazy because I have two voices: EAT! and STARVE!
So about a week ago, I gave up calorie counting. I made a deal with myself that I wouldn’t count calories for a week nor step on the scale. On Monday, I am going to weigh myself and see what happens. I am trying to mentally prepare myself – whether it be that I lost, maintained, or gained: either way I will be both happy and depressed about it.
Hopefully one day, I will be able to give up the scale and calories once and for all. But for now, it is just babysteps. I know it’s only been a couple of days, but I have changed so much and I feel so amazing today.
Stay zen, lovelies!
Vegetable Salad Rolls & Almond-Lime Sauce