So, at the beginning of Sophmore year I lost 15 lbs from changing a lot in my diet and being obsessed with healthy organic foods. I’m also a dancer, so I was dancing 12+ hrs in the studio every week plus going to the gym, doing yoga, and my gym class where we actually… like… run and do work. I went from around 135 lbs to 120 lbs in like the first two months of school. I kept it off through the holidays, but I was kind of turning into an orthorexic (someone who is obsessed with eating TOO healthy). No junk food. No fast food. No fried food. No sodas. Today I hardly ever eat out because I like to know whats in my food. Local. Organic. Non-processed.
But in January 2011, I became obsessed with gaining the weight back. That is when I started purging. I didn’t do it very often. Once every other week, only on occasions. But as the months progressed I started to do it more and more. By the summer time I was doing it at least twice a week. Then sometime in July I did it like three days in a row. The next day I started having major fucking contractions (first day of my period), but I was too dizzy to walk. I could barely walk across the hall to the bathroom. I turned the bath on cold because my skin felt like it was burning. I had a 45 min kicking and screaming sessions where I kept blacking out. I called my best friend, and told him everything. That it was only supposed to be a once in a while thing and its progression was scaring me. I told him because I needed to feel guilty. I’m sorry I put all of this on his shoulders, but I needed someone to make me want to stop. And hurting him gave me the incentive to stop. I did my last purge at the beginning of November.
Promising him that I would never purge again made me struggle with never feeling full. I never really had major binges like most bulimics do. I would purge if I ate a normal sized meal. Unlike most bulimics, I’m not a stress eater. I’m a stress faster. But I tried very hard not to overeat (which to others was eating like a normal person) so I wouldn’t feel the pressure to purge. It was kind of like trading one eating disorder for another.
After that I lost 10 more pounds, by going to the gym and eating “healthy”? I don’t know if I would call it that. Overly healthy? Extremely small portions? Not enough? It’s a foggy area for me. I was 110 lbs when I got back to school.
Parents, teachers, counselors all accused me of eating disorders. I became really depressed and started losing more weight.
Through all of this I have become a stronger person. I have realized how insecure I really was and that I need to learn to be confident with myself. My obsession with my body made me feel powerful because to me it is the only thing I didn’t fail myself at. I learned to deal with the accusations. I’m not really better. I still love myself more now as underweight than I did then. I don’t know if I will ever want to go back. I love the way my bones stick out and I know that’s sick.
Now it’s the beginning of the new year and I’m 100 lbs. I really have no fucking clue how that happened over winter break, but it did. I don’t know if I will want to gain the weight back, but my new year will be healthier and safer than it was in 2011. I want to eat more, train harder, and give my body what it needs and wants. I have also fallen in love with food again. You can love food, still eat healthy, and look amazing. It just took a long year of hard learned lessons for me to finally figure it out.
Read more: (These are like diary entries I wrote for my personal anthology)